Monday, October 24, 2011


I had a pretty off day in ballet today which really tipped me off by the end of it. Was it the leo? Or maybe I'm just fucking shit in general. Whatever it was, it was a bad ballet class and I'm 2 lessons away from the final assessment. Better start starving myself! Jokes -_-"
My turns as usual were shit, and today they were quadricep...I mean quad-riple fucking shit! I blame the steamy studio. I promise tomorrow will be better! I have to be better!
Plus! I am super cautious of making my shoes get any more worse than they are. Don't want holes RIGHT before the exam! :'(

Our anatomy exam was today and it was so fucking hard. My fault for studying like the day before, but helllllllll...I would have needed to be the most in tune and articulate student in the world to have actually done well. I am officially burnt in the head and I can't think anymore but I need to study for history on Wednesday!
It had 90 fucking questions about every fucking muscle in the body. Every single one! Brain capacity...none.
Now it's over, I don't know what to do with this information...I can't get it out of my head but! :'(

So, other than that...I am extremely relieved that this day is over but I am sooooo fucking drained.
Looking forward for Thursday 11am! It'll all be over.
Then I have disgusting rehearsals which I just want to fall asleep in!
Anyway, No more complaining. BYE XOXOXOX

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

After this bullshit is done

I'm watching my favourite movies:

- Angus Thongs and Perfect Snogging
- Mean Girls
- She's The Man
- HSM 3

just saying.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

moody moody moody moody moody moody moody moody moody moody moody moody moody moody moody moody moody moody moody moody moody moody moody moody moody moody moody moody

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

nya fuck! There is too much work for me to comprehend and not enough time.
What the fuck! I don't even want to do this. My mind is not coping with this intense course! :@ :@


Tuesday, August 30, 2011

If I had an off day today

I would:

  • Watch the sound of music in bed
  • Drive
  • Go to a market
  • Cook

You know what I have to say

It is clear of how you feel. You write it, you say it. I listen, think and strive to flip how you feel around.
I am really over repeating how I have always been loving you & that it's only been getting stronger. That is still true. I love telling you how much I love you every day and I do very much. I understand your need for my reassurance & I will give you that. To be honest, I would and am giving you everything I can right now. I am too far away from giving you a normal relationship, the physical affection and the true ways of how much I care.
Of the many times I tell you that I fucked up...essentially. I fucked up. I am really not that stupid. I get it. The level of anger, hurt and loss of feelings is immense for you I know. It is the most sickening feeling because I know you're that hurt. You don't deserve any of it. No one does...although I don't think I as well deserve being put down like this. You don't believe in revenge, yet I guess you can't help this? 
The whole idea of a normal relationship has possibly been lost because of me. The trust you had in me may probably never be regained for quite a while. People aren't the same and individuals are left to learn and grasp the idea of trust and relationships in their own time.
But it hurts. I am not guilty of anything since we have gotten back together. & it's probably not what you want to hear but actually, I haven't done anything wrong since my lies before we broke up (despite I did talk to her when I was back *note). 
I can't be anyone else but me, and I want you to accept that. I can't produce the words or actions you want me to pull through to you because the true-ness of how I feel and how I suppose I can mend things is what I have been especially hurts when this isn't good enough...and I'm sorry. 

Do you understand that I am completely torn right now? I am constantly accused for something I haven't done or don't feel. I refuse to accept how you portray me. That is not me and I know it. I'm not perfect, but don't let that be an excuse to let you be the one with hardly any flaws. I will not produce the mentality that I'm a bad person with bad morals. I can't be treated like this, I have my dignity and I'm going to lose that. I am only human and I make mistakes. 
In the end, I love you with every bit of my heart. I just ask for you to remember that. I'm not using this, but I am coming home. I would love to come home and be with you and just have everything with you, because this is how I can give you back a normal relationship and trust. 
For now, I'm hurt. Please try to trust me because the portrayals of myself are not true and I just feel that you're not letting me show you this. I just want to us to get better.

I'm sorry that I'm writing this here, I know I should be saying it to you but time is precious and I am full of words at the moment.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Wednesday, August 3, 2011


In the space between yes and no, there’s a lifetime. It’s the difference between the path you walk and the one you leave behind; it’s the gap between who you thought you could be and who you really are; its the legroom for the lies you’ll tell yourself in the future.
Jodi Picoult (Change of Heart)

Friday, July 8, 2011

The Scientist - Coldplay

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are,
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart.

Monday, July 4, 2011

I'm not asking for attention. I'm very upset. It's hard being here, but don't get me wrong...I don't want to be any place else. Life originated here and I would always love to remain it that way.
It hurts immensely and I'm taking it all out on myself, luckily my sanity keeps me on the right track. 
I'm so fed up with being hurt for no good reason. It's not fair anymore. It's over & life should have transitioned.
Fuck life for making it more complicated than that. 
I can't cry (?) for some reason...I'm just a fail. Tomorrow is going to be hell boring. I'm scared of the weight I'll gain, the thoughts that will take over me, the feeling of helplessness.
I want that constant companion who just understands and would just always be willing to be my company. But I think I'm just asking for too much...maybe just asking for the normal to come again. But it's not good for you Listy. Get over it.

So you've changed.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Starting to think it's kind of pathetic.
I'm not putting a nice face on, and I'm not going to care what people think about me.
I only did it because to me its what you wanted. I would never want that. Never. & you should know that.
If it wasn't in my face...maybe it would be different...but it was only for the sake of both of us. That's why.
Think it through.

I come home in about 7 days. I am going to rock home.
I will only be eating air.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

It gets better each day in a way.
Although these scenarios can't stop running in my head.
That door opens and you're there?
I fucking miss you.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Hell bad.

I watched Strangers, again with a friend today and I couldn't help but cry.
The stages. It aches.

I don't know why I should be seeing these things...but I want to know. I miss thy relationship.
The craziest and moodiest emotions are kicking me in the face every minute of every day. I just want to keep distracting myself when I don't want to face the reality of it.
The normal is still inside me & the sling shot is pulled its furthest that I'm going to propel right back into what I love...but it's not always the same.

I'm so sorry. (I want to be home. 20 minutes away)

Bitter and cold is something easy for me at the moment. This world I am in is treating me great. My family here are giving me the best out of the situation. I hate the classes because I just want assessment week to get over and done with. Home, home, home, home, home, home. 

THIS IS THE WORST FEELING. I don't even know what to say...but it's all in the mind.

Where is my faith?

Sunday, June 5, 2011


That is so sad.


No words can be said. Just screaming. I don't care (I try) what you say. I am stronger than your words.
It is so hard right now. The busy week I hope will distract me just as much as the last did.
So incredibly angry. Its burning in my stomach. I can't stand this. Day 1. It's okay.
Its not even a war and I can push to control my actions.

Thursday, June 2, 2011