Tuesday, August 30, 2011

You know what I have to say

It is clear of how you feel. You write it, you say it. I listen, think and strive to flip how you feel around.
I am really over repeating how I have always been loving you & that it's only been getting stronger. That is still true. I love telling you how much I love you every day and I do very much. I understand your need for my reassurance & I will give you that. To be honest, I would and am giving you everything I can right now. I am too far away from giving you a normal relationship, the physical affection and the true ways of how much I care.
Of the many times I tell you that I fucked up...essentially. I fucked up. I am really not that stupid. I get it. The level of anger, hurt and loss of feelings is immense for you I know. It is the most sickening feeling because I know you're that hurt. You don't deserve any of it. No one does...although I don't think I as well deserve being put down like this. You don't believe in revenge, yet I guess you can't help this? 
The whole idea of a normal relationship has possibly been lost because of me. The trust you had in me may probably never be regained for quite a while. People aren't the same and individuals are left to learn and grasp the idea of trust and relationships in their own time.
But it hurts. I am not guilty of anything since we have gotten back together. & it's probably not what you want to hear but actually, I haven't done anything wrong since my lies before we broke up (despite I did talk to her when I was back *note). 
I can't be anyone else but me, and I want you to accept that. I can't produce the words or actions you want me to pull through to you because the true-ness of how I feel and how I suppose I can mend things is what I have been doing...it especially hurts when this isn't good enough...and I'm sorry. 

Do you understand that I am completely torn right now? I am constantly accused for something I haven't done or don't feel. I refuse to accept how you portray me. That is not me and I know it. I'm not perfect, but don't let that be an excuse to let you be the one with hardly any flaws. I will not produce the mentality that I'm a bad person with bad morals. I can't be treated like this, I have my dignity and I'm going to lose that. I am only human and I make mistakes. 
In the end, I love you with every bit of my heart. I just ask for you to remember that. I'm not using this, but I am coming home. I would love to come home and be with you and just have everything with you, because this is how I can give you back a normal relationship and trust. 
For now, I'm hurt. Please try to trust me because the portrayals of myself are not true and I just feel that you're not letting me show you this. I just want to us to get better.

I'm sorry that I'm writing this here, I know I should be saying it to you but time is precious and I am full of words at the moment.

No comments:

Post a Comment